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Submitted on
April 4, 2009
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What is this feeling? It’s so cold… it feels… dark. What is this feeling that keeps making me want to run away from it all? I can’t wake up, there is something… pulling me back into it. A darkness… an abyss, something dark keeps calling out to me. “Do not push me away young one, I only wish to help you. Accept me and you will never fear loss again.”
I finally wake up in panic. I look around and see a dark yellow young dragoness beside me. I look at her long face, her eyes closed. Her horns are short but curl a bit as they come off the top of her head. She had very flimsy spines running down her back and laid gently on her body. My eyes slowly move down to see her tail wrapped around mine. The end of her tail as flimsy as her spines, the shape of it reminds me of the ocean’s waves. Her wings rested on her body, taking her slender shape.
I close my eyes for a moment and look up to see trees covering the sky, the moon barely shinning through. I hear the dragoness yawn as she opens her eyes slowly and looks to me. “Is something bothering you?” she asks me. I stare into her eyes, unable to respond. Those golden eyes, they make me wish I could always be with her. “Xiuhcoatl are you okay?” I finally open my mouth and say, “Just a bad dream.”
She smiles a little and kisses my paw that is gently on top of hers, “You worry me sometimes. You have to stop doing that you know?” I chuckle at her words as the look on her face becomes serious. “I’m sorry Amberyte, it’s just for as long as I can remember you’ve always been worried about me. You know if you were older people would call you my mother,” I say as I let out a loud laugh. She smacks me on my snout, “That isn’t funny Xiuhcoatl, I care about you.”
I shake my head after that irritating feeling of being hit on the nose. It feels like someone just pushing your face in. I probably shouldn’t have said that, she really does like me a lot. I have strong feelings for her but I’m too nervous to tell her. Maybe one day I’ll finally get the courage I need to tell her. We both laugh softly but soon stop as we hear something. She looks around and whispers, “Maybe it’s a good thing you woke up, I think we’re being watched.” I nod as we both get up, our tails still wrapped together.
We try to walk away as a tree catches our tails and we bump into each other at the other side. We look at each other as she turns her face away from me quickly and blushes. “Maybe we should… let go of each other,” she says in a soft voice trying to hide a smile under her wing. I laugh a little then hear something again as my face straightens out and quickly release her tail. We both quickly get up and run off through the forest. I hear her panting as we come to a stop.
“Do you need to rest?” I ask her as I see her struggling to keep up with me. She falls in front of me. She is still panting as I look around making sure nothing is coming. “Rest for a bit, I’ll stand guard,” I tell her as I stand over her. “Xiuhcoatl,” she whispers as she begins to breathe with a bit more ease. “Rest Amberyte, you need your strength. That wound in your leg hasn’t healed yet has it?” I ask as I lift my back right leg to see the wound on her back left leg. She is laying on her right side to keep the wound from contact.
“It’s fine, really don’t worry about me Xiuhcoatl,” she says as she cringes when she tries to move it. “Look at that gash, whatever it was yesterday that attacked you when you went to the river for a drink hurt you bad. Maybe it’s back and trying to finish you now.” She laid her head on the ground as I heard her mumble something. “What did you say?” I ask curiously as I move out from over her and sit beside her, my paw gently stroking around the wound. “Nothing, I was just… it was a cough, I was clearing my throat.”
I rest my head close to her with my eyes closed. I gently put my right wing over her as her breathing settled. “Xiuhcoatl,” she whispers as I respond with a small, “Yes?” She kisses my cheek softly and says, “Thank you.” She quickly falls asleep as I turn my head to her shocked.
She kissed me, it puts me at ease but… that dream. Who… what was that? Such a cold voice, it sends shivers down my spine. Such a deep… threatening voice… it sounded so unwelcoming… but it said it could help me. Maybe I can trust it… if I can even get in contact with whoever or whatever that was. I look back over to Amberyte, why can’t I get her off my mind now? I feel so comfortable around her, more than usual. I guess I’m just being overprotective. I don’t want whatever attacked her to do that to her again… or worse.
This night seems endless, I wish I could just fall asleep. Would whatever that tried to talk to me try again? Maybe I’m just going a bit crazy. I haven’t eaten right in a while. Amberyte keeps trying to get me to eat something… but I can’t for some reason. Once in a while I will, then she’ll giggle when I burp. She does have a cute giggle too, I love hearing it. Yeah, that’s it, that’s how I’ll get to sleep. I just have to think about her, and she’s right next to me, that should make it easier. Yeah there we go, I feel it now. My eyes are finally closing on their own. A nice little yawn and…
“Xiuhcoatl, can you hear me?” a voice called out. I think it’s that same voice from before. “Yes, it is I again, you fear for her do you not? Let me help you.” His voice frightens me, it sounds darker now. “I only wish to help, for both of us.” What does he mean for both of us? Where is he? “I am always with you young wind dragon. If you ever need my help, just close your eyes, and when you open them… all will become clear.”
Okay for those who care I put up the prologue to the book I'm writing which is only a little bit more than the spoiler and this is all I'm revealing to you guys. I'm sorry I haven't been doing the fan fic as often anymore so I thought I'd give you this until I move on with Dark Betrayals. :)
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This has a lot of potential, it is well written and jumps right in to the middle of things (the best way to do things in my mind). You nicely set up the relations between the characters, the fact something might be chasing them, that one of them was attacked and the voice in the main character's head. All this leading to promises of the plot to come in the rest of the book. It is always good when a story shows it has a direction it want to go in even if it does not tell the reader where that direction will end up.

The initial descriptions of the location and the other dragon would carry more weight if they has some emotional overtones. With a few words you could tell the reader a lot about how the main character feels about both the surroundings and the dragon wakes up to. I know it is explain more later but the readers expectation are formed in the first few lines of meeting a character or seeing a new location so it is important.

Everyone is defined by their thoughts and emotions, as the view is fixed from the main character's perceptions having all the descriptions flavoured by his thoughts will make it a more griping read, and will allow the reader to come to know the character quickly.

Even a little hint of why they are running, how they feel about being watched. Even a stray though, to say what at least in the character's minds is going on. It does no not need to give much away. People do not normal run unless they have a reason.

At the moment with out a break in the text or some note that time has passed it does not seem like they ran very far.

The story is fine with out them but I think more descriptions from senses other than vision would add to it becoming more real, if the dragons in your setting have senses shaper than human, like hearing or their sense of smell it is important to drop little hints to this all the time so if they notice something that a humans should not be able to notice it does not seem too out of the blue that the suddenly got this new ability when they did not have it before.

I think indenting new paragraphs would make it easier on the eyes to read but that is a small formatting note.

The end is very good as it leaves it self open but encourages the reader to think what could happen next. I hope these comments prove useful to you and keep up the good work (I my self can not wait to read the next bit) :+fav:
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Not much more to it is there? Oh well It's still interesting, but be careful not to put the whole book up here, it'd be kind of hard to sell if everyone's already read it.
That's why the prologue which is only 1 2/3 pages long is up there only. The rest of the book is secret to the world until it is done. :XD:
That's what everyone says to me.=(
:O what do you mean?
:shrug: Nobody ever understands me when I say that.
*sigh* Just tell me what's wrong I can't really think too straight this late at night
Nothings wrong I just like being weird. Hello My deviant file even names me as the Subtle Psychopath.
Haha :XD: well I like that about ya
(1 Reply)
Genobee8492 Apr 4, 2009
"for those who care"? well your starting to sound like me. and that's not a good thing.
No one seems to read when I say "Please comment I want feedback!"
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